What Type of Sad Girl Are You?
a poem in the shape of a personality quiz
Dearest Sad Girl,
Please stop crying.
In 2016, I self published Wet Sand in an Hourglass, a collection of memoirs and poetry. Most of the subject matter revolved around my childhood and my unrequited romances. I have always been a self proclaimed “sad girl,” decorating myself in airs of ennui, of longing and discontentment stubbornly unrelenting.
I am currently in the process of revising my latest manuscript (more on that later!!) and one of the overarching themes is the lore of five Archetypical Haunted Girls, who I affectionately refer to as The Hauntlings. Just as a prequel to my introduction of these archetypes, I’d like to share an old poem from my first book, titled, “What Type of Sad Girl Are You?”
It’s a great insight to my humor. I hope you enjoy.
cinncerely,
Lana
he tells you via text message that it’s not going to work out. but he says it in kind words, he only uses the soft letters. how do you respond?
A. i was always pouring my heart out to you and worrying that it was too much and it pains me to know that i was right
B. maybe i was only a beautiful idea after all, but tell me, who would you like me to be so that maybe i would be easier to love?
C. i knew the timing was wrong but still. i wanted to be optimistic, but just know that my heart is with you and i understand and i hope you will always be happy. and someday me, too
D. thank you for being honest with me. i am so fragile
you are sitting alone on a park bench, weeping, and here comes a man looking to make a conversation out of your sadness. why are you crying?
A. everything hurts my feelings. i know it doesn’t make sense but i can’t help it, i can’t help it
B. i don’t know what’s wrong, this is just a thing that’s happening.it keeps happening. i’m not in control. i’m just letting it pass. sometimes i’m just a rest stop before the feelings can transcend, you know? sometimes i’m only a bridge
C. a lot of things were bottled up inside of me but i’m going through a cleanse, i guess. i needed this moment. i feel better already
D. i don’t get why people keep telling me to stop crying. when i am laughing no one ever tells me to water myself down. it is all a continuation of the same feeling
ideally, you seek to love and preserve your sense of ‘self’ but your healing process is deeply personal and sometimes messy and never linear. what is your routine?
A. sometimes the only way out means canceling out my own sobriety, i just need some new headspace. so i blast the music real loud and dance with my eyes closed, and my skin is on fire and the air isn’t so hard to breathe and i spin in circles until i keel over dizzy and giggling and i can’t feel my face
B. i sleep all day and take a shower but i have to sit down because the steam makes me lightheaded but i sit there and let the water caress me and i hum songs i love and have ice cream for dinner
C. i call my best friends and we talk as if nothing is wrong and for a moment it is as if nothing is, and for the duration of our call, i believe it
D. i make things. or i clean things. i am trying to transfer the energy. if i cannot exorcise my demons at the least i can polish them till they shine like trophies, till people start to congratulate me for being broken so well.
What are you guilty about?
A. i said something that hurt you and i know i already apologized but i have this fear that you will forget that i love you and wake up in the middle of the night remembering how i stung you, how i burned you with words i poisoned myself and fed you. i may never be forgiven and i fear i will never deserve it, either
B. my mother spoke life into me and i have wasted her time trying to be someone who could put all these resources to good use but i have nothing to show for it to justify the sacrifices and the long nights
C. after everything we've been through, we are now like two trains passing in the night. often i wonder why we fell out of touch and how long will it go on like this, and even though we were once inseparable the truth that scares me the most is how i don’t miss you and i can’t remember your face anymore and i don’t know what changed, was it me?
D. i don’t think i love myself the way i think i do
Someday you will understand…
A. i shouldn’t have to translate my heartaches into euphemisms in exchange for hollow sympathies
B. i can't continue lying to myself this way, pretending all the time. if i undress from my body like a suit, if i unveil my face to offer my bareness as confession, there will still be someone left underneath it all deserving of love.
C. these things happen but it’s not my fault. it’s not up to me or you or anyone else. i can’t micromanage the universe
D. everything is temporary, everything is cyclic
A: you are roaring and vibrant. you do not come with a disclaimer. you have been the same person all your life, with minor differences and little tweaks. All you want to do is protect yourself fiercely now, the way you were unable to when you were young
B: you are crushed by the weight of all the things that hurt you and have lost yourself in the process. you are hoping that one day it will all make sense and you have this dream of becoming the person you’re truly meant to be and it hasn’t happened yet but you keep waiting, and so you are looped in this constant nostalgia for a future that you secretly fear has already come and gone
C: you believe that maybe if you try hard enough it will fall into place and that your sadness & suffering is necessary, that eventually it will defrost at your feet from a brick of ice into a cool pond for you to dip your toes in. you like to think maybe there’s an art to this
D: although you truly wish they would stop disappointing you, these days you thank people when they hurt you, because to you everything is an opportunity for growth and within your heart you are curating a garden of gratitudes
i am / have been each at different points)